January 11, 2013 - I ended it with him. Plain, cut the cord, DONE. Deleted him on my facebook friends. Satisfied and exhilarated because I finally got the guts to say bye. Told a few (or a lot) of my friends after.
Went through the days doing okay except for Fridays, because it was a Friday when I cut all communications with him. So, I would always go out or ask my friends to go and have coffee, etc.
February 17 - I flew to Manila for a job training. I was always afraid that we would meet accidentally there that was my only hesitation when I went to MNL. What made it more “terrifying” was what my cousin said: Manila is a big place but the world is small - six degrees of separation and all that.
Sometime during February 17 to April 29. I was able to go through days not thinking about him or he’ll just pass by my thought once in a while. Unless there are some sights or things that I would see. For example: When I come across his name - on street names, on a certain sports brand for tennis, or when I see BB cars, or badminton courts.
Six Degrees of Separation: Maybe what I feared the most didn’t actually come true but we sort of had a close brush in from people I just met. I had a fellow trainee and room mate who has a supervisor who (lo and behold) is his younger sister. Imagine that! Don’t ask how I found out, too dramatic and long.
2-3 weeks before leaving, I was walking and going out without fearing too much that I’d meet him. I still don’t want him to see me not being in my best if we ever did meet but I just didn’t care anymore. I was going around MNL having a good time.
April 29 to days before contact - I noticed a spike in remembering him and missing him. There was this moment in my room where I just imagined him and had daydreams/thoughts about him. I usually stop myself from going further but I just let it loose and allowed myself to think about him and how we would be.
April 4 (Saturday) - I was not fully awake, went to the bathroom to relieve myself with my phone. My eyes were in half mast when I saw his name appear on my phone with ——— ——- added you as a friend. Let me tell you, my body just went cold and my hands were shaking. I mean, MIND FUCK at soo early in the morning.
I let two friends know about the friend request they both advised me to keep away. My brain says that too! But my heart, my heart is hoping, is missing, is just full of positive happiness bullshit.
I ended up messaging him on facebook.
He’s still the same. I asked a question first but he doesn’t answer it and posed his own question. The last one is: Bkit pala ini unfriend mako sa fb (5/7 6:42pm). I saw the message that night but I replied the morning after because I don’t want the excitement of him replying get the better of me. I told him this: bakit di mo sinasagot tanong ko? answer mo muna question ko den sagutin ko tanong mo (5/8 8:40am). I’m still waiting for his reply. Today is 5/10 10:10 am. I’m not so sure if he will anymore though because I knew for a fact that last night he played candy crush. LOL! I saw it in his facebook account. and yes, I’m back to stalking him??! (Shit! I only realized it now)
What puzzles me is.. why now? After 3 months (going on 4 tomorrow).. there was no communication. No attempts, no sorrys, nothing! I didn’t friend him yet nor clicked not now because I want answers to my questions too. I really want answers so that maybe I can accept some facts and start where I left off from moving forward.
Amazing how manageable life can feel with only one blanket and the right two arms. - Tyler Knott Gregson
That light at the end of the tunnel.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Good news, I’ve got a job!
Bad news, I don’t feel like my parents are happy nor proud about it. I graduated as a nurse but the job that I got is not in line with my work. They don’t say much about it, I really feel that they’re disappointed. I don’t want to get affected by their actions but the insecurities are trying to set in. Anyway, I’m trying to be positive and upbeat. I need money to settle the pre-onboarding requirements, I’m thinking of using my own money instead of getting it from them. I’m used to it somehow anyway. I just really need to save when I go do that training. My cash flow is dwindling but busyness here I come! I don’t know what my plans are next especially because this job will be very new to me and it isn’t exactly what I planned to do when I took up nursing but it’s a start of something and I’ll trust God’s plan in all of this.
I just saw the movie “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” awhile ago. I was hesitant to see this because of two reasons: 1) I thought it was a love story that would make me cry and 2) I thought it was just blah. So wrong! I love it and the message was just right for me and right for the things I’ve gone through the past year, the past month and maybe days.
Only a few people know of what craziness I’ve put my mind and heart through this past year. You see I met a guy and well to make the long story short it was bad. The start was beautiful but I later realized (it was a pretty late realization I tell you) that it was rusted and bad on the inside. There are some people who when with you takes you higher, makes you be a better person. This one dragged me down and sucked the life out of me. So when I heard that famous line by this movie, it struck me hard because I realized that it was partly my fault to have tolerated and welcomed a person like that in my life. During the course of my association with him there were some realizations similar to that, something along the lines of: I was happy before I met him, I would be happy still once he’s not in my life anymore. But those realizations still didn’t give me enough confidence and strength to sever ties. The breaking point was January 11, 2013 that day was awesome and it was just like a very big thorn was pulled out of my chest. From that day on, It was a process of forgetting about him, moving forward and finding myself once again.
I still have a long ways to go but I’m really proud of myself because I finally was able to let go and break free. On January 23, I bought a Claddagh ring. It’s supposed to be given or passed on from mother to daughter but I took the initiative of buying one for myself. I’ve always wanted one and I once thought of having my significant other buy it for me as a surprise but why wait? I’m doing this for me. I received the ring last Friday (Feb. 8) I am so so happy that I bought one. It fit to a T. The ring will be significant from now on. It’s a promise ring for myself - to wait and be more patient, to love myself, and to not settle. I still have a lot of improvements to do but it’s a start. I am so so proud of myself and I am happy. Thank you Lord for this blessing.
I can never quite understand how people could be thankful to the persons who have hurt them in the past but somehow I can understand it now. I would never know the importance of loving, appreciating, and growing myself if not for having met him. So, thank you. I guess the best revenge would be being more fresher, more beautiful, and more in love at life than I was before I met him. It will be my way of saying: This is what you threw away, go fuck yourself! I’m SO much better of without you anyway.
And in this moment, I swear I am infinite.
To God be the Glory.
can we all just take a moment of silence for sexy back muscles.